I dive in.
It’s what I do. I wouldn’t consider myself reckless. I just somehow have always seemed to have a deep trust in the Universe… in myself. And so far I’ve never jumped into anything that I couldn’t ultimately handle, so when I feel some fear there’s plenty of proof to quiet it.
But the fear remains. There’s always been a voice somewhere inside me whispering that I may not have what it takes to succeed. That I may be too lazy and undisciplined. There’s always been a little nugget of jealousy when I compare my struggles with others who seem to effortlessly manifest dreams that appear ‘successful’ and ‘sustaining’.
And yes - there are a lot of judgements and projections in those fears. There are a lot of assumptions based on external appearances that may or may not have any basis in fact. But I’ve come to learn that there is always a kernel of truth in my fears and there is always a hidden longing in my judgements.
I dove in to the nomad life - moving out of my house and spending what I expected to be a few months (and ultimately turned out to be over a year) shuffling me and my things from friend’s house to friend’s house; relying on generosity and love and community to keep me sheltered. And it was humbling, beautiful, and incredibly hard.
I dove into renovating a 33-yr old RV - with no prior experience and in a context where without house and with increasingly little money, the stakes felt very high and there was very little space for missteps and setbacks to feel like anything other than failure. I poured myself and my resources into the RV and had very little left to keep myself in community with others or to keep my business running. I became stronger, more resilient and capable and also more depleted with each passing day.
I dove into a completely new business format - going from a location-dependent to a location-independent business. I thought I had laid the groundwork for a relatively smooth and sustainable transition and quickly discovered that I was wrong and, furthermore; that I wasn’t even sure the concept I was trying to model after felt authentic to me and my strengths. Self-Doubt crept in and made a tiny nest near my heart and winds of fear and desperation continued to strip me bare. I know all this leaves room for deeper clarity to come and yet the undeniable reality of my lived experience was many moments of feeling shaky and lost.
In the midst of all this, I continued cultivating a different relationship with my nervous system; a deeper listening into and trusting the innate wisdom and desires of my human self. And I witnessed myself pull the rug out from under my own feet - rob myself of stability and a sense of security. I saw clearly how often I set myself up not to fail, but to stay within survival mode; and how I have never really given myself the opportunity to experience what thriving feels like.
…Perhaps I am not ‘lazy’ but overwhelmed? Maybe I’m not ‘undisciplined’ but rather unprepared? What if I live knowing that any day could be my last AND continue to play the long game? What if I slow down even more and truly celebrate all the millions of little steps that constitute the journey?
You see, I’m learning a big and powerful lesson that dreams pursued at the expense of the nervous system often land as trauma.
I am grateful for the courage, passion, and trust that seem to be within me, encouraging me to leap. And I acknowledge the fearful and jealous parts of me and their desire for more nurturing, ease, and security… for thriving, not just surviving. I realize I am worth it. So I take these two paradoxical pieces of me by the hand - the leaper and the walker, the visionary and the pilgrim - and we seek a middle path. Together, we’re trying something different…