It’s been a long time since I last posted. And there are many reasons for that: a new job and busier schedule, a trip to Nicaragua, other things to focus on… We all have our intentions and then life gets in the way, right?
But there’s something else going on here and I’m coming clean: I feel the need to have something profound to say and most of my ideas don’t pass the ‘good enough’ test.
I’ve always been someone who struggled with that good ol’ tripwire: perfectionism. I wouldn’t even let myself try things if I didn’t think I could wow people my first time out. What a limited life…. There are TONS of things I’m not particularly good at. And a lot of them bring me joy anyway. I love playing soccer with friends (even though the words ‘control’ and ‘skill’ might as well be a different language). I love singing (#sorrynotsorry – but I promise I’ll only do it in the car). I love art (my feedback from my ceramics instructor in college was that he appreciated my enthusiasm and encouraged me to work for more precision the next time I took the class; and my family can only eat very dry foods off the somewhat-slanted plates I made for them).
Don’t get me wrong: there is a time and a place for steady dedication and the slow building of competency, and yoga has helped me develop those muscles in myself and my life is the better for having them! But that creative, messy impulse to reach out an grab a new experience and swing it around, even if you knock everything over while doing it – it’s that impulse that breaks us open; allows us to see new ways of seeing; to try new ways of being; and to connect with all the people in our lives who are there to love us, shake us up, and help us grow. And the truth is: for all the times I’ve looked around in surprise and thought, ‘Hey! I’m kinda cool and I have something to offer this big, beautiful, crazy, hurting world,” I’m not sure that I will EVER with every fiber of my being believe that I am good enough. Maybe someday….and maybe not. I guess the secret is to just keep on living somewhat-skillfully-somewhat-messily-and-always-leaning-towards-Grace-Connection-and-Love.
So rather than trying to always find some deep, profound, spiritually uplifting topic to share with you guys – I commit here and now to connecting more with you – in all of the messy, creative ways I can. Sorry if I knock you over…. Maybe my next post will be on cultivating a gentle approach.