#generousJanuary; post 5

Last night I slept unbelievably well – the kind of sleep where you wake up in the morning and the sheets and blankets are basically undisturbed, letting you know you didn’t toss and turn. It was the perfect night – slightly chilly to snuggle up, I had showered but my hair wasn’t sopping wet on the pillow, I had just put clean sheets on the bed… and I had bought myself two new pillows.

It’s silly, I know, but I forget I can do things like that. I’m not very good at spending money on myself anyway and pillows are just there… until they’re really not. But there’s often something else that’s more of a priority or flashier. I don’t take the tags off of clothes. I have buyers remorse even on purchases that bring me joy AND are useful (like my crockpot). I’m just gonna say it: I have money issues and they show up in how I treat myself. So generosity shout-out to me… for treating myself like I’m worth it. And for literally putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to walking the talk of self-care and joy-of-life.

I’ve also been reflecting a lot recently on love and how many acts performed in the name of love are actually fear-based. How many times do we try and protect the people we care about from something or some truth because we’re afraid of losing them… yup. That’s not love. That’s fear. How often do we hold ourselves back – saying we’re protecting ourselves and it’s an act of love when really, we’re diminishing our growth, limiting our learning opportunities, and sending ourselves the message that we are not the infinitely strong and loving Beings that we are? Again, that’s not love – it’s fear. So when I see and hear stories of people like my friends Ashley N. and Jackson, who adopt older pets as animals – knowing that they will grow to love these creatures with all their hearts, only to ‘have’ them in their lives for a short time – and doing it so the animal can live out its last days knowing love and care… I see people who are choosing love over fear. They are courageously looking the certainty of a broken heart in the eye and saying that it’s worth it. They are giving of themselves, their time, their resources: all in the name of spreading love – and not just among other humans. If only we could look at each other in such a way – not afraid of the outcome, knowing it will most likely end in heartache in some way or another, and still walking in, eyes wide open, heart held out in our hands… the most generous offering we could ever give.

#generousJanuary; post 4

I’m going to be really honest: I am struggling with this month’s theme way more than I expected. This is not the post I sat down to write last night. The one I wrote last night felt flat. Uninspired. Too abstract. Inauthentic.  I started noticing that when I sat down to write posts about generosity, the main theme of each post was all the ways in which I ‘fail’ and others are ‘better than me’. And that’s not the way to attract more of what you want in to your life. It’s not a celebration of all the ways we, as humans, can momentarily touch upon something so much greater and transcend our limitations to uplift each other. So I’m writing this one, instead.

In the past when I have sat down to write on a theme, if I brought the theme to mind, examples started coming – even if I wasn’t aware of feeling or seeing the trait in the moment, my brain could think back on the day and say, “ah yes – that was gratitude.” When I sit down to write about generosity, I find myself afraid to speak about it. I see acts of generosity all the time, but they seem like they should be private to me. And maybe this is the tip of the block I seem to have against generosity and deeper connection with people and circumstances in my life. If I can’t speak it, I can’t manifest it. And life isn’t to be understood, it’s to be experienced.

So today, I am speaking it. Please know, this is not an exhaustive list. But this morning, when I think about generosity the people that pop into my mind are two of my friends Rachel – one who gave me the shirt off her back, crocheted me my dream hat, and walks down the street aware of who is around her and what she can do to help; the other, just finished being a doula for a friend of hers (and incredibly generous act of service and love) and is always finding small, simple gestures to show the people in her life that she cares. Michael, a yoga student who gives to friends and when shown an act of kindness, quietly reciprocates it back in gestures of gratitude that reverberate with kindness. And Caroline, a good friend and boss who listens from her heart and with the intent of seeing the best in whoever is in front of her.

I see that in you which is great and generous and I honor it.

If you see love, speak it. So that it can bloom.

#generousJanuary; post 3

Showing up in service to others is an act of generosity. When we show up for others, we are not approaching people and situations wondering what we can GET from them, but what we can GIVE.

It’s the difference between moving through the world from your heart and moving through the world from your mind. There is a joy in it, partly because it feels good to help others, but also because most stressful thoughts start with the word “I.” When we focus on ourselves, we bring awareness to how we’re separate from those around us and then a feeling of disconnect begins to creep in. By being there for others, we automatically connect and give energy to that which we have in common.

I can practice this pretty easily when I’m teaching yoga, but feels like more of an effort for me to practice it off my mat. I am reminded when I see a friend offer to hold the door open for someone walking past whose hands are full and I think: why didn’t I see that and do that? Or with friends who are so good at asking questions, they rarely end up sharing when we catch up and later I think of myself as selfish. Or giving to strangers whether it’s money, food, or time and a listening ear – later I think, “What if I don’t have enough or what they need turns out to be more than I can handle? What if they’re lying and trying to use me?” It’s not that I never do those acts of service – it just doesn’t always come easily to me, or I can’t sustain that way of being without exhausting myself… or at least not all the time. So what’s the difference?

Most of the difference is in the noticing. When I am attuned to others and to what’s going on around me, it’s easy to care and to offer and to ask. When I am zoned out, disconnected from what’s happening around me, or rushing through, it just doesn’t occur to me.

The other difference is in feeling safe. If I look at when I am least likely to be helpful and most likely to be absorbed and not noticing others, it often when in public places (walking down the street) or when I’m somewhere where I don’t feel any sense of ownership. I focus on myself and tune out others as a way of setting boundaries in response to harassment or the general discomfort of not knowing how I want to respond to requests for money or other things I don’t feel comfortable giving…as a way of feeling in control. And so that’s really what keeps me from generosity and service: insecurity in my own boundaries and fear. Fear of the unfamiliar and fear that I don’t have enough to give, materially or emotionally.

And this is where it gets tricky – because boundaries ARE healthy and necessary and there ARE times when it IS inappropriate to give, or people who will take and take and drain you of everything you have.

So how do I start to practice more generosity through service in my life… healthily? Paradoxically, by taking better care of myself. I notice a difference in how engaged I am in conversations with friends when I’m tired and burnt out versus when I am excited to see them and can’t wait to hear more about their lives and give them the gift of attention and listening. There’s also a difference in how aware I am of ways I can be helpful depending on whether I’ve taken care of my own needs or not and thus feel supported and cared for. And taking care of myself in terms of time management means not rushing past opportunities to give and be generous. It also means practicing feeling ownership of myself regardless of where I am. And to do that, I need to trust myself. I need to trust that I will stop giving away power, that I am strong enough to handle the situation if any of my fears DO ever come to pass.

And finally, I need to stop judging myself for not being a saint and giving all the time, and I need to honor the times when I can’t find it in myself to give as sign posts that I have to take better care of myself and look a little more deeply at my fears and whether they’re protecting me or barricading me off.

Self-care, self-confidence, boundaries, and trust that I am taken care of – acts of generosity.

#generousJanuary; post 2

Last night I had a friend literally offer me the shirt off her back. She did request we wait until a time when she wasn’t wearing it… but still. It’s hard enough for me to take a compliment, much less turn that back around into a gift.

Thinking on it now, I have (at least once that I can think of) gifted someone something of mine that they had admired. And I remember a stingy, fear-based voice in my head fighting me all the way. That voice said things like: what if you need those earrings later? what if you regret giving them away?

I’m glad I didn’t listen to that voice. Because I have NEVER needed those earrings since then in anyway that would negate the joy of having given them to a friend whose face lit up on receiving them.

The things we own have weight. And often it is a far heavier weight than what the objects would measure, placed on a scale. They have the weight of expectations, of memories, of our dysfunctions with the money used to purchase them, of fears of lack in the future. But that’s only if we let them have that weight. If we invest some part of our identity in them. And I do that. And it drives me crazy. Wherever we go, there we are: in the weight I give to my material possessions, I see all my fears about a lack of abundance. I see a lack of Faith that I will have what I need provided for me in some way when I need it. I see grasping and a choking off of Flow. I see everything I preach to work against on my mat in my yoga practice and when teaching.

I’ve been putting off cleaning my room for months now. I stopped seeing the clutter to avoid it. And it’s because I don’t want to have to make decisions about what stays and what goes. Because I don’t want to have to ‘throw out perfectly good things’ or ‘pollute the Earth with my shit.’ Guess what? Waste is waste wherever it is. And in my bedroom, it clutters my mind and distracts from my sense of peace, which affects the Earth just as much. Healing the Earth does NOT mean taking all the disease into myself. That serves no one.

So I have begun to ascribe to a new way of thinking about clothes and now I pass it on to other material possessions: does it bring me Joy RIGHT NOW? Does it serve a purpose. If the answer is no, it goes. And hopefully to someone to whom it does bring joy. Our environments reflect our insides: I choose Joy, I choose Connection, I choose Light. And those things combined lead to generosity – a sense of abundance and a willingness to share it. I cherish this offer of a shirt to help remind me of what’s important.

And that’s the biggest gift I could be given.

New Year, new themes (#generousJanuary; post 1)

I had hoped that my practice of writing every day for 30 days of gratitude would help me start a more consistent writing practice, but it has not… turns out I do better with prompts!

I’ve also been truly touched by all of you who reached out to me, letting me know you followed (and appreciated) my project of practicing gratitude.

Because of those two things, and that I believe the lenses through which we view our lives affect what comes to us, I’m embarking on a new challenge. I’ve brainstormed a list of traits I want to seek and manifest more in my life and assigned one to each month. It’s an unrealistic goal for my life to think that I’ll be able to write a post each day, but achievable would be to commit to writing on the month’s theme at least twice per week. I hope you’ll consider joining in – not just be reading but by weighing in with your own experiences of the month’s theme (either in the comments section below or on your own social media platform. I’ll start a hashtag to go with each month, so you can link yours, if you feel so inclined). Together, we elevate the world. Together, we create the shift we seek.

We start with: #generousJanuary

All too often, we think of generosity as something tangible – usually linked with money or goods – and as something being passed from those who have to those who have not.

But we all know the heady satisfaction of giving with no thought in return – as an act of love, because we WANT to. Our souls long to offer that act because it validates us as infinite Beings, creatures of Love, someone who has enough and can afford to share that abundance. I think, perhaps, one of the stingiest things we can do is to not see or hold space for those offerings, as they are, in whatever form they are offered in, and from whoever wishes to share them with us.

Today, I acknowledge the generosity of all those who read this blog, listen to what I share when I teach, and remind me that my words and expressions of experience are my gift. Because of you, I move forward on this journey of finding and lifting up my voice. Because of you, I am affirmed. As I am. Simply because I exist. Thank you.