Loss and Love

I was listening to one of Tara Brach’s old podcasts the other day and in it, she recounted a story of Kafka (yup, the writer) and a little girl, whom he met in a park, crying over her lost doll. As the story goes, he offered to help her look and came to her the next day with a letter he had composed from the doll, telling the little girl not to mourn – that the doll had merely gone on a trip and would write frequently. This started a whole series of letters from the doll to her girl, and at the end, Kafka presented the girl with a new doll (it didn’t look anything like the old one, but we all know that “travel changes us”). Years afterwards, the girl found a note tucked into the doll’s fist which read something along the lines of:

“You will lose everyone that you love, but that love will come back to you in a different form.”

That sentence brought tears to my eyes and made my whole body shiver. It landed deep within my heart and stayed there. In it, I see the way to two main Truths: that of Surrender/Acceptance and that of Infinite Love.

Firstly, Surrender. Through the changes of life (whether it’s the waxing and waning of relationships, your death, or mine) it is 100% certain that at some point in time, we will lose everyone we love. A heartbreaking thought, for sure, but also a freeing one – a realization which, once accepted, calls us into Presence and Gratitude.

It means that we can stop playing out the grasping/pushing dynamic that characterizes (let’s be honest) pretty much ALL of our relationships. It is natural to want to hold onto the things that bring us joy and to reject the things that challenge us. Once we acknowledge the truth that it doesn’t matter how much we grasp, we WILL lose it, we see that straining to hold on is futile and allowing things to be is the only thing that makes sense. It allows us to stop fearing the loss and to be able to just enjoy what’s there while it’s there. That is Prescence. That is Gratitude. That is Grace.

And once Fear is gone, what we are left with is Faith and Love, which brings us to the second Truth: Infinite Love. I realized that for all the people who have come and gone in my life… I have never been without love.

Now, that thought’ll make the angsty teenager in you pull a Scooby Doo “hurh?!?” (I’m not going to die if my feelings aren’t reciprocated/I get dumped? I’m not all alone and misunderstood?)! Don’t get me wrong – there have been times when some losses felt rawer and harder to bear than others and some people have left large holes in my sense of who I am or what I am worth. I have had some pretty dark moments, where happiness was something so far in the distance I couldn’t even recall what it felt like. BUT in all those moments, whether I was able to fully experience it or not, Love was there.

It was there in friends who bravely knocked on the walls I had put up, offering me a connection. It was there in the people who listened to me walk down memory lane, holding the hand of the one I had lost, not yet ready to let go. It was there in my dog’s wagging tail. It was there in sunshine and just-because-I’m-thinking-of-you cards and forgiveness for my mistakes.

And furthermore, the amount of Love has never changed – only how open I have been to receiving it.

Which means, then, that Love is not dependent on the people or circumstances in our lives. It just is.

It is The Answer. It is infinite. It is the only thing that is real. And our purpose, as human beings, on this earth, is to be vehicles for expressing that Love. We are not meant to win it, or earn it, or manipulate it. It is not ours. We are of it. We are here to show each other the way and to inspire, comfort, challenge, sometimes hurt, and always teach each other because in the end… we will lose everyone we love. But Love is still there and if we are open and without expectation, we will see it in all the forms it takes.

May all beings experience the Love that surrounds them and fills them. May all beings release fear and be free.

Trusting in Change

When taking class in a studio, you often have a somewhat limited choice of classes. You may have teachers you like or don’t like as well. You may have a preferred style of yoga. But often, the class you take is determined more by your schedule. You show up when it works in with the rest of your schedule and the teacher does what they do and that’s it. There’s an element of surrender.

Enter Yogaglo – an internet database of class videos with a wide variety of teachers, styles and all titled with what what they are designed to do. Do you want to wake up? Or open you hips? Boost your immunity? Focus on a particular chakra? Work towards a peak pose? The options feel practically endless. And it’s all about what YOU bring to it. Today, for example, I chose a class designed to boost metabolism. Hey, it’s winter, the cold’s been getting me down a little recently, and I’m not feeling light and vibrant. In fact, the past couple of days have been “fat days.” So already, going into this class, I had judgement about what it was “I needed.” And that’s OK. Sometimes I’m right about what I need. And the rest of the time I’m right, but not in the way I expected.

Did it boost my metabolism? Dunno. Did it solve the problem of feeling fat? Not really, even though, MAN, I wanted it to. Turns out, that even though it wasn’t a ‘good’ practice (Well, hey there! Is that another judgment?); as in, one where I leave feeling light, at one with Creation, all gooey and vibrating and radiant, it WAS what I needed. You see, there was A LOT of core work and reps/intervals, A LOT of long holds, basically A LOT of stuff that triggers my “give up” response. And I realized: it’s been a while since I had that kind of practice. I generally follow pretty similar flows. I like this because a) I get out of my head more; b) I can see how much my practice varies from day to day and know it’s not the flow changing, it’s my body, my emotions, my thoughts. But it is possible to get into a rhythym. Muscle memory takes over and you stop pushing yourself to a new edge every time. My practice recently has felt strong and confident. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that. As far as I’m concerned: there’s NOTHING wrong with feeling a little strong and confident. But life is always in fluctuation and even good things, if stagnant, can become bad things. Today, whatever it was about the type of poses and the structure of the Yogaglo class – I just wanted to run. I felt weak, I gave up, I was serious and resistant. I found myself thinking about the instructor: “Is she kidding?” or “Yeah. Right. Like THAT’S going to happen.” I had changed up my routine and did it alone, without the support/inspiration of a community in the room with me to keep me going, and it kicked my ego’s holier-than-thou butt.

So what do you do when you have a class like that? Where one day, you’re just not feeling it? Where the judgements are flying thick and you just want to give up. Hell, you don’t WANT  to give up. You DO give up. Or, more importantly, what do you do when that happens in life? Because we all enter into situations carrying baggage and judgement about ourselves. We all resist the things that are the most challenging. And we all make mistakes, doubt ourselves, forget what we’re capable of, forget to honor the journey, and give up because it feels easier – safer. So what do you do? I guess you just notice it. Notice all the ways in which you aren’t perfect. All the ways in which you think you fall short. All the moments of weakness. And then you shift your focus to the bigger picture. To the fact that todays ‘failure’ is the lesson that can make tomorrow sweeter. You trust in the change (it’s funny how when we’re happy, change is a threat but when we’re sad it becomes the hope of salvation). And then (at least in the Yogaglo world), ‘favorite’ it and promise yourself that you will try it again soon because clearly, there’s lessons to be learned and stuff there that needs to be worked through. I keep a quote from Marianne Williamson by my bed: “Nothing needs to be as it was. The first step in creating the new is dropping the notion that what already exists in inevitable going forward.” Every moment holds the seed of ‘next time’ and every ‘next time’ holds the possibility of a different experience.

Living the Questions: How vs. What

We’ve all had the feeling that we’re stuck at some point in our lives. It could be as small as the quiet, nagging thought creeping in during a hurried glance at our lives that wonders if this truly is It? It could be as big as working at job we feel drained by or feeling pulled in a million directions by all our obligations and all that we need to do or be.

We’ve also all experienced the opposite – that serendipitous moment when, for at least a brief second, everything seems right with the Universe and our needs and wants seem to line up and just fall into place without us having to work very hard for it. We shake our heads in wonder and think, “Wow! It’s like it was MEANT to be.” And because we are human, at that point, we usually become so surprised that we end up sabotaging ourselves. But that closing and then opening, that contraction and expansion, that stuckness and flow are a natural exchange. Watch anything growing and you’ll see the interplay of opposing forces. First a plant has to put down roots, then it needs sun for more energy, but then it needs to expand it’s root system to soak up more water to feed the larger plant – and in growing more roots it ends up needing more of the suns energy, so the plant gets bigger… you get the picture.

But just because a certain amount of this interplay is natural and healthy and completely out of our control, doesn’t mean we don’t have a choice about the approach we cultivate. I recently had an 8-month experience of feeling stuck. I was always able to satisfy my needs (roof or some sort over my head, food, employment) but none of it seemed to flow, none of it seemed to stick. I changed addresses five times in eight months. I cobbled together many part-time jobs. And I found myself, in quiet moments when feeling drained enough that the mask of ‘I’m doing fine’ fell away, wondering if this was truly It. The question I kept turning over in my mind was “How?” How was I going to find housing? How was I going to be able to afford it? How? How? How?

It all shifted for me when I changed the question to “What?” What wasn’t working? What boundaries did I need to set to feel happy and healthy? What was it I ACTUALLY wanted to be doing? “How” is a question that implies total control and also invites victimization – we expect exactly what we think we need and want to just show up and when that picture doesn’t come to fruition, we’re left feeling abandoned or just not knowing where to turn. “What” invites openness – it acknowledges that while we have a sense of where we want to go, we are not sure what shape the journey will take to get there. It allows us to see that often, it’s our beliefs about ourselves that hold us back. It acknowledges that we have some control over how we interact with our immediate circumstances. Just trying saying the two words. If your “How?” is anything like mine, it’s slightly conditional, it goes up at the end just a little – it has the hint of a whine. But the “What?” has a softness, a curiosity, and a humility – it knows that it just doesn’t always know.

So next time you feel stuck, notice – what question are you asking and is it empowering you to take action? Or is it stuck in survival mode, waiting for some answer to fall out of the sky and save you?